Thursday, August 29, 2013

Humpty Dumpty

Some days I feel like not even all the King's horses and all the King's men could put things back together again. You know the days, when the ball of yarn keeps coming unwound and the harder you tug at it the faster it unravels. Yesterday was one of those days. I traveled to Denver earlier this week for work, which was awesome. The meeting was one of the most productive I have even been to, and it just really reenergized me for what I do. But then, Wednesday came.

Am I Alice or the Egg?

Life just has that way of hearing you say to yourself, "Yeah! I've got this!" and then saying right back, "Oh? Is that so?!?" Ha. I am sometimes the sort of person who gives into this downward sucking spiral of self defeating negativity when life pushes back at me when I come at it with gusto. Well, guess what! Not this time...

I know all of this sounds vague, because, well, it is. Let's just say that I have had my eyes opened to how shocking people's behavior can be when they find themselves caught in a web of deceit they created and didn't like what happened as a consequence. Thankfully, this person is no longer in my life, although myself and others are still cleaning up the mess they left in their wake. At some point, my huge bleeding heart began to learn that no matter how shitty some people have it, at the end of the day we all have the responsibility to ourselves and those around us to show up, be present, work hard, and reap what we sow. We get to bask in the bountiful harvest whether we sow laziness and hate, or productivity and joy. We get to choose.

I had a lesson on Abbey tonight, and we were sort of coming apart at the seams in the corners at the lope, and really all over to be honest. K helped put us back together with some pushing and poking we eventually got things even better put together than before we fell apart. Sometimes gentle requests don't quite make the change happen, and it requires a firm poke with a spur or check with a rein to say, "Yeah, I mean it when I say stop leaning on me!" I am here to be part of a team, not carry a thousand pound horse around the ring on my inside leg. At the end of the lesson K shared with me how proud she is of where I am today, and how far I have come in the past few months with my riding. That means the world to me. She loves my horse, and she loves seeing us come together as a team. She is helping me work through my anxiety of asking for a lope, or making a firm correction that feels harsh at times.

Because of my horse, I am learning that when a force stronger than you leans with all its might, sometimes all it takes to set things right again is a few strategically placed pokes and prods, hard enough to set things back in balance. The difference in my ride was amazing, and so rewarding to feel Abbey and I working together instead of our bodies fighting against each other. That feeling is enough to give me the courage to take the risk and make a firm correction, knowing that there might be some pinned ears and resistance, but with persistence the change will come and we will both be happier as a result. I have a pile of urgent work on my desk that is leaning heavily on my mind. But guess what? I know I am strong enough to poke that pile of stuff into shape and make something amazing happen with the help of my coworkers and volunteers.

So, life, come at me with all you've got. I can handle it, and to one up that, I can enjoy it in the process. And I only needed one horse and a woman to put it back together again :)

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